Dear Crush,
Do you remember the time when we first met?
It was October 2, 2019. There was nothing special about that night, in fact, we were just two volunteers doing our thing. I’ve always wondered if love at first was a real thing, but that I night I found out that it is in fact a real thing. When I first saw you and before we even uttered a word to each other I knew that you would be someone that I’d never forget… the one I longed to marry someday. Although my heart and my soul longed to be with you, my mind had different plans for creating my romantic plot line.
Do you remember the time? The night that I first asked you on a date?
To you, March 10, 2020 was probably just another Tuesday night, but for me, it was a night of great proportions. I spent weeks planning how I would ask you on a date… it had to be just right. I rehearsed every possible way that the conversation could have went; I thought about every possible thing that you could say and every thing that I could say in response. This time could not be like my past experiences of trying to find love which all proved to be futile. When the time came to follow through with my plan, I was reminded of how every girl before you has always said, “No,” so I told myself that the risk of heartbreak was too great to go through with the plan. However, I guess God had a different plan, because a moment came when we were stuck standing side-by-side… my heart was beating out of my chest, I was sweating profusely from my nervousness, and although my mind kept reminding me of all my failed experiences, this time I listened to my heart… I asked you out to coffee, and you said, “yes.”
Two days later my heart broke… the world shutdown because of a pandemic. But it was also the day I shutdown because I had no idea and no plan of navigating our budding relationship during this unexpected turn of events. The entire summer there was a tug of war between my heart and my mind. My heart wanted to text you everyday, but since my mind is ruled by logic, I convinced myself that you didn’t want to hear from me, so I ghosted you which I not proud of.
I vividly remember every time that we’ve talked since we first met as if it was just yesterday. But, probably, the night that I remember the most is August 31, 2020.
This was the day that I arrived back in Springfield from Tennessee after my Grandma’s funeral. During my five hour drive back to Springfield earlier that day, I planned to go to Walmart the next day, but as I was sitting in my dorm room watching tv, something deep within me just made me feel like I was supposed to go that night, so with my grief attached to my back like a backpack I went to Walmart. I wanted to get in and out quickly, so I could return to my dorm room and grieve the loss of my Grandma.
While I was walking the aisles making my careful selections of groceries, I remembered that I needed to call my Ma to ask her about a seasoning that she used. As I was about to end the phone call with my Ma, out the corner of my eye, to my surprise, I saw you and group of friends walk by. I was torn because part of me wanted to track you down and talk to you, but another part of me didn’t want to talk to anyone. So, I stalled my Ma on the phone until I thought you were gone, but it just so happened that I needed to go in the same direction that you went. I was hoping that you didn’t notice me because my grief consumed so much of me that I didn’t feel like being me, but you saw me and you stopped to have a conversation with me. I wanted to ask about our coffee date then, but in my mind I had convinced myself that if you said, “yes” again, it would only be out of pity because you knew my Grandma had just passed.
As I reflect back on that night, I have come to realize how the kid version of me would be so elated. Because for some strange reason, as a kid, I’ve always had this idea that I would know that I’ve met the girl I was supposed to marry when I randomly saw her in Walmart one day and had a conversation with her, but she had to be someone I already knew and someone I had a big crush on. And if that ever happened, I would know that she was who I was going to marry. Now, this is just something a little hopeless romantic kid dreamt up, and there’s no real weight to it, but it has given me something to think about.
Do you remember the time? The night we last talked?
It was a beautiful October night in 2022. We spent multiple nights in close proximity preparing for an event; however, our different roles never afforded us the opportunity to converse. Admittedly, I wanted to talk you so bad, but at the same time I didn’t want to talk you because I had so many mixed feelings about the relationship that died. Should I jokingly talk about the date we never went on two years ago? Should I ask you on a date again? Should I be mad you or should I be mad at myself for not trying hard enough? I had so many questions of “should” and so much anxiety, but when you called my name and we started talking I was reminded to stay present, then my only worry was that the moment wasn’t going to last long.
This is not the time for me channel in my inner Alexander Hamilton and write like I’m running out time, but instead I must close this letter.
But there’s one last thing that I must say… it’s been 1,433 days since we first met and 1,273 days since I first asked you out on a date. And in all this time, I’ve learned one thing about myself which is the reason our relationship is nothing like I imagined it would be. I’ve learned that I was so afraid of losing you that I didn’t try hard enough to get you.
But if you would allow me to try again, I will do everything in my power to keep you. And in the end, if it doesn’t work out, I will never truly lose you because I will have the memories to hold onto.
With Love,
The Boy Who Was Afraid to Love
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